It’s been a year…

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Since that day. And since then, I’ve really had to learn how to love myself.

 

For the majority of my adolescent and young adult life, I’ve always been in some sort of relationship. Whether it was a boyfriend, a some relationship, or just fooling around, I was never alone. Better yet, I was never satisfied with being alone. I always needed someone with me.

It took me some time to realize this, and reflect on all the things I could’ve done in my youth instead being in those relationships. Instead of bringing boys home when my parents weren’t around, instead of being out and hanging with the guy and his buds, instead of putting my all into a relationship that wasn’t mean to be, I could’ve used all of that time to be passionate about something that doesn’t involve physical contact or having emotional ties with another person, such as a hobby. (The things I know and do today are done out of convenience…)

Because of this, every time I’ve gone through a break up, I always filled the hole with another person… thinking that it would fix the heartbreak I was feeling. Even if I kept telling myself I wasn’t filling any void I had because it has been some time since the last relationship I was in before that, I was kidding myself. I needed someone by my side to be happy. Every time I told myself I just needed a male companion to talk to and relate, I started to want more than just companionship.

 

Realization

It was also, since then, that I’ve learned more about myself while changing myself unknowingly. I’ve known these about myself for some time, but being unattached to someone has made me realize and confirm the realization that I’m a perfectionist, I’m very detail-oriented, and I’m too nice.

One of the other realizations about myself that I found was that my relationships were built on comfort of the other person. I heard some people say that when two people get too comfortable in a relationship, the love fades and dies. But I don’t feel that way. To me, that comfort is security. My love is like a pine tree, an evergreen. I may not do much, except change my clothes or my interests or obsessions when the season changes, but I’m still here, in the same spot that I’ve always been. Obviously, the last one doesn’t believe in that. And that’s okay. Confirms that we weren’t meant to be.

I do worry for my future though because I am getting older, I am 27, 3 years short of reaching the dirty 30s. I feel like I don’t have the time to be comfortable with another person. I have to build that from the bottom up with someone new… Will there ever be someone who thinks the same as me when it comes to comfort in a relationship?

 

Changes

And when I mentioned that I’ve changed… I mean, I’m very awkward when it comes to going on dates, thus I’ve become very anti-social, and I realize that I’m actually okay with it. The last couple of dates I went on, I was actually really afraid of physical contact, even side hugs. I let it happen once and it felt so wrong. Sometimes, I couldn’t even look at a guy in the eyes. My heart would pound so hard out of nervousness, and I would hate it so much. When they would text me, I wouldn’t respond. Which is why one guy that I work with doesn’t randomly message me anymore, and another guy already has a girlfriend. I’ve turned into a bad communicator. And, honestly, #sorrynotsorry

I’ve also become a minimalist, but I’m actually “becoming” one on purpose to continuously rid myself of things I don’t need, like the clothes that don’t fit me or I don’t wear anymore, or the thought of even buying things I usually think I need but in the end I reason with myself that I don’t, or even a boyfriend, straight up.

Because it’s a burden to worry about the clothes that I will never fit into anymore because I’m getting fatter by the day, or worry about a boyfriend’s feelings or how their day went and other shit like that. I’ve come to realize those burdens, and I don’t want to deal with it all anymore.

 

I’ve not only put up walls for myself, I’ve also become a rock, and I think this is what I needed to be where I am right now.

 

Acceptance

But going through all of this leaves me with no regrets. What I’m spilling right now may seem like angst and bitterness, but it’s all merely a reflection of myself – this is me, at age 27, realizing the things that I was putting myself through and reflecting on everything that I’ve done with my youth.

I am not bitter about this all because I believe that I put my all in those relationships because I had a big heart. I gave love when I didn’t need to. And I also believe that, 10 years later, I’ll be saying the same thing.


I keep telling myself that I’m working on myself, learning to love myself. I don’t think I’ve ever completely love myself. That, in itself, is an ongoing improvement. One of the beauties of life, I guess. To continue improving. And to improve, I shall…

2018: Another New Year

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It’s a new year, and I have yet to write something substantial here. I had set out for this website to revolve mostly around K-pop, but through the year 2017, I haven’t had much time to dedicate to the use of this website PERIOD. Well… I’m going to change that, and challenge myself: I’m going to try and write more, although I can’t promise the majority of what I write about will be K-pop related.

While I’m at it, I’m going to start by listing down the new year resolutions that I made for myself this year (whoever reads this, you can hold me accountable for these). I’m now 27 years old, and I still do this every year. Don’t judge me.

My 2018 New Year Resolutions

  1. STOP BEING SO TIRED! All of last year, I always did nothing when I came home from work, or when I had the weekends off. When I got off work, I was too “tired” to do anything. And by “tired”, I mean mentally exhausted. On days like these, I would just watch TV or a bunch of YouTube videos. When I wasn’t watching TV or YouTube videos, I would be making a YouTube video. As productive as that sounds, my efforts meant little to nothing, and the only thing to really show for all the times I’ve spent editing videos was the amount of sleep I lost. HOWEVER… I don’t want to completely stop editing videos – although I lost a lot of sleep over it, I gained a passion for video editing. I just need to plan and spend that time more wisely…
  2. Write down 1 inspirational quote each day. I’m already a week behind on this one, whoops. I’ve tried this before, to write a quote every day for a whole year 3 years ago, then it died halfway through the year. And they were just any ol’ quote that became my favorite, whether they had an inspirational movement behind them or not. This year, I’m making sure that the quotes I write down literally inspire me to stay motivated, stay positive, and lastly STAY AWAKE.
  3. Read a chapter or two of a book each night before bed. Before 2018 even started, I started reading this book, Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. I can’t remember when was the last time I couldn’t put a book down because the story was too enticing to stop. I’m halfway done with the book, by the way. This one, in particular, I plan to have it finished before March because the movie comes out that month!
  4. Lastly, and this is embarrassing for me to put it out there as a resolution, but… lose 30 pounds. Not just last year, but for the past 2 or 3 years, I’m just now noticing the amount of weight I’ve gained, especially since I got my current job of being a project manager (which is essentially a desk job). Then, add being mentally exhausted to do anything all year last year, and you can safely say that I’ve gained more weight than I thought would be possible for me. I’ve always seen myself as a skinny, 120-lb, tan girl that used to longboard everywhere. But that all changed coming into my 3rd or 4th year of college, when I was nowhere close to graduating with even an Associates degree. I’m now an average, 150-lb, not-so-tan young lady that sits at a desk from 9:00am to 6:00pm from Monday to Friday, and was struggling all of 2017 to get up and do something active. To probably noone’s surprise, I am not happy with myself. I told myself that I wasn’t happy with myself last year around this time as well. I am still not happy with my body, and I HAVE to make that change this year.

In the world of K-pop, I’ve grown exhausted with everything as well. The comebacks/new music video drops have been hard to keep up with. There have been times when I wanted to simply watch a new music video as soon as it came out, but I kept thinking about my YouTube channel and told myself to wait until I had time to make a reaction video, which were the weekends – even then, I couldn’t get my ish together. I took on vlogging midway through last year, and I had a better experience with regards to traveling and video editing, but it would be a very rare occasion for me to publish a vlog because of my limited ability to travel. Even keeping up with social media has become cumbersome. Maybe I wouldn’t have such a hard time if I didn’t stan so many groups, but it’s hard for me not to love the groups I’m already in love with. It’s hard to keep up with everything that they’re doing and to show them all equal amounts of love.

Ultimately, I’ve decided that I will not let social media nor current events pressure me to publish a video and post to social media. I will do so at my own leisure (unless by request – which I rarely get), because that is all I can handle.

Well, I basically laid out my “big picture” plans for the year. I honestly don’t know when the next time I will write here, nor what it will be about. But like Schwarzenegger, I’ll be back!