It’s been a year…

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Since that day. And since then, I’ve really had to learn how to love myself.

 

For the majority of my adolescent and young adult life, I’ve always been in some sort of relationship. Whether it was a boyfriend, a some relationship, or just fooling around, I was never alone. Better yet, I was never satisfied with being alone. I always needed someone with me.

It took me some time to realize this, and reflect on all the things I could’ve done in my youth instead being in those relationships. Instead of bringing boys home when my parents weren’t around, instead of being out and hanging with the guy and his buds, instead of putting my all into a relationship that wasn’t mean to be, I could’ve used all of that time to be passionate about something that doesn’t involve physical contact or having emotional ties with another person, such as a hobby. (The things I know and do today are done out of convenience…)

Because of this, every time I’ve gone through a break up, I always filled the hole with another person… thinking that it would fix the heartbreak I was feeling. Even if I kept telling myself I wasn’t filling any void I had because it has been some time since the last relationship I was in before that, I was kidding myself. I needed someone by my side to be happy. Every time I told myself I just needed a male companion to talk to and relate, I started to want more than just companionship.

 

Realization

It was also, since then, that I’ve learned more about myself while changing myself unknowingly. I’ve known these about myself for some time, but being unattached to someone has made me realize and confirm the realization that I’m a perfectionist, I’m very detail-oriented, and I’m too nice.

One of the other realizations about myself that I found was that my relationships were built on comfort of the other person. I heard some people say that when two people get too comfortable in a relationship, the love fades and dies. But I don’t feel that way. To me, that comfort is security. My love is like a pine tree, an evergreen. I may not do much, except change my clothes or my interests or obsessions when the season changes, but I’m still here, in the same spot that I’ve always been. Obviously, the last one doesn’t believe in that. And that’s okay. Confirms that we weren’t meant to be.

I do worry for my future though because I am getting older, I am 27, 3 years short of reaching the dirty 30s. I feel like I don’t have the time to be comfortable with another person. I have to build that from the bottom up with someone new… Will there ever be someone who thinks the same as me when it comes to comfort in a relationship?

 

Changes

And when I mentioned that I’ve changed… I mean, I’m very awkward when it comes to going on dates, thus I’ve become very anti-social, and I realize that I’m actually okay with it. The last couple of dates I went on, I was actually really afraid of physical contact, even side hugs. I let it happen once and it felt so wrong. Sometimes, I couldn’t even look at a guy in the eyes. My heart would pound so hard out of nervousness, and I would hate it so much. When they would text me, I wouldn’t respond. Which is why one guy that I work with doesn’t randomly message me anymore, and another guy already has a girlfriend. I’ve turned into a bad communicator. And, honestly, #sorrynotsorry

I’ve also become a minimalist, but I’m actually “becoming” one on purpose to continuously rid myself of things I don’t need, like the clothes that don’t fit me or I don’t wear anymore, or the thought of even buying things I usually think I need but in the end I reason with myself that I don’t, or even a boyfriend, straight up.

Because it’s a burden to worry about the clothes that I will never fit into anymore because I’m getting fatter by the day, or worry about a boyfriend’s feelings or how their day went and other shit like that. I’ve come to realize those burdens, and I don’t want to deal with it all anymore.

 

I’ve not only put up walls for myself, I’ve also become a rock, and I think this is what I needed to be where I am right now.

 

Acceptance

But going through all of this leaves me with no regrets. What I’m spilling right now may seem like angst and bitterness, but it’s all merely a reflection of myself – this is me, at age 27, realizing the things that I was putting myself through and reflecting on everything that I’ve done with my youth.

I am not bitter about this all because I believe that I put my all in those relationships because I had a big heart. I gave love when I didn’t need to. And I also believe that, 10 years later, I’ll be saying the same thing.


I keep telling myself that I’m working on myself, learning to love myself. I don’t think I’ve ever completely love myself. That, in itself, is an ongoing improvement. One of the beauties of life, I guess. To continue improving. And to improve, I shall…

Letting out some steam, spilling my guts, even though I should go outside for this…

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This is probably the longest post title I will ever allow myself to publish, but I don’t really care much about what the title of this entry is. As the title says, I’m here to spill my guts on the “yoosh” (usual).

WORK! Of course, it isn’t work if we’re not putting out fires and listening to our clients freak out over nothing. But why am I complaining about work on a Sunday?

For one, it’s Sunday. So that means tomorrow’s Monday, the start of another week at work. Oh joy.

Two, and I shouldn’t have done this while at home, but I had to grab something that I sent to myself from our company’s instant messaging system, Slack, and I just happened to open up a channel we have that notifies us of any feedback from our clients. And the feedback that came up was from one of my clients that basically said, not terrible things, but things that did put a damper on my mood, but it can be considered constructive feedback. HOWEVER, the things that the client was expecting of me, the one thing that I will spit out specifics… it’s not in my job description to provide web marketing advice. I didn’t go to school for marketing, I went to school to build websites, studying and practicing code. It just so happens that the only job available to me was this project manager/coordinator role. But I’m going off on a tangent here.

Essentially, from reading her feedback, it makes me want to scream. I want to go outside, somewhere like an empty field, where there’s noone around, and scream until I lose my voice. But it’s so windy (and cold) outside, and I really don’t feel like being blown away today. That wind is seriously strong.

Because I have to put up with all of this at my job, it makes me wonder – actually, I’ve been thinking about this since I first started experiencing this frustration 2 years ago – if there are other opportunities that are FOR ME out there. I’m not exactly looking for other jobs out there, but I might as well just put it out there (I’ve been trying to keep this a secret)… that I’m planning on joining the military as an officer. Because to me, it’s either suffer at this current job or any others like it, or join the military.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I am not happy with my job. I may have lied a bit to my supervisor when we had a 1-on-1 sesh, and he asked “do I like my job (as a project success adviser)?” I responded saying that it’s basically all I know right now. But we all know that means that it’s what I’m stuck with. That’s honestly what I wanted to say, but at the time, I really wanted to improve. I always want to improve in my current position, but it’s tiring.

I want to try something new.


A few hours ago, I was doing some reading on the expectations and requirements to become an officer in the military. And honestly, this was the first time in a while that I felt excited and scared at the time over something. Although, I still have to see if I’m qualified, I really want to make this a reality for me.

Most things are at a standstill for me. My job consists of the same routine every single day, although interesting events occur every other day, it’s not the fun and exciting kind. They’re more of the dreadful, “shake my head” kind of events. Living with my parents for the past 27 years is cool, but I just really need to leave. My close friends are leaving me, and I’m in no real state to make new friends. The friends that I still have here all do their own thing. So there really isn’t anything left for me where I’m currently at.

So I really hope the military is my ticket out of here before the end of this year. I emailed my recruiter, so I’m hoping to get this off the ground soon.


As I’m just finishing up this post, I just realized that the music player not only plays on my website, bu it also plays in the dashboard when I’m typing up a new post. Way to present a dramatic feel with background music as I am typing all of this up… thanks, Day6, for always getting me in my feels.

YouTube Channel Updates

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The last few months have been busy, and it’s only gonna get busier from here on out for me. Please watch to see what’s next on my plate for this channel. Thank you all for your patience and understanding!

Background music: Day6 – I Like You (Instrumental)

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the music used in this video. All rights go to their respective owners. The music in this video is used for entertainment purposes only.