It’s been a year…

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Since that day. And since then, I’ve really had to learn how to love myself.

 

For the majority of my adolescent and young adult life, I’ve always been in some sort of relationship. Whether it was a boyfriend, a some relationship, or just fooling around, I was never alone. Better yet, I was never satisfied with being alone. I always needed someone with me.

It took me some time to realize this, and reflect on all the things I could’ve done in my youth instead being in those relationships. Instead of bringing boys home when my parents weren’t around, instead of being out and hanging with the guy and his buds, instead of putting my all into a relationship that wasn’t mean to be, I could’ve used all of that time to be passionate about something that doesn’t involve physical contact or having emotional ties with another person, such as a hobby. (The things I know and do today are done out of convenience…)

Because of this, every time I’ve gone through a break up, I always filled the hole with another person… thinking that it would fix the heartbreak I was feeling. Even if I kept telling myself I wasn’t filling any void I had because it has been some time since the last relationship I was in before that, I was kidding myself. I needed someone by my side to be happy. Every time I told myself I just needed a male companion to talk to and relate, I started to want more than just companionship.

 

Realization

It was also, since then, that I’ve learned more about myself while changing myself unknowingly. I’ve known these about myself for some time, but being unattached to someone has made me realize and confirm the realization that I’m a perfectionist, I’m very detail-oriented, and I’m too nice.

One of the other realizations about myself that I found was that my relationships were built on comfort of the other person. I heard some people say that when two people get too comfortable in a relationship, the love fades and dies. But I don’t feel that way. To me, that comfort is security. My love is like a pine tree, an evergreen. I may not do much, except change my clothes or my interests or obsessions when the season changes, but I’m still here, in the same spot that I’ve always been. Obviously, the last one doesn’t believe in that. And that’s okay. Confirms that we weren’t meant to be.

I do worry for my future though because I am getting older, I am 27, 3 years short of reaching the dirty 30s. I feel like I don’t have the time to be comfortable with another person. I have to build that from the bottom up with someone new… Will there ever be someone who thinks the same as me when it comes to comfort in a relationship?

 

Changes

And when I mentioned that I’ve changed… I mean, I’m very awkward when it comes to going on dates, thus I’ve become very anti-social, and I realize that I’m actually okay with it. The last couple of dates I went on, I was actually really afraid of physical contact, even side hugs. I let it happen once and it felt so wrong. Sometimes, I couldn’t even look at a guy in the eyes. My heart would pound so hard out of nervousness, and I would hate it so much. When they would text me, I wouldn’t respond. Which is why one guy that I work with doesn’t randomly message me anymore, and another guy already has a girlfriend. I’ve turned into a bad communicator. And, honestly, #sorrynotsorry

I’ve also become a minimalist, but I’m actually “becoming” one on purpose to continuously rid myself of things I don’t need, like the clothes that don’t fit me or I don’t wear anymore, or the thought of even buying things I usually think I need but in the end I reason with myself that I don’t, or even a boyfriend, straight up.

Because it’s a burden to worry about the clothes that I will never fit into anymore because I’m getting fatter by the day, or worry about a boyfriend’s feelings or how their day went and other shit like that. I’ve come to realize those burdens, and I don’t want to deal with it all anymore.

 

I’ve not only put up walls for myself, I’ve also become a rock, and I think this is what I needed to be where I am right now.

 

Acceptance

But going through all of this leaves me with no regrets. What I’m spilling right now may seem like angst and bitterness, but it’s all merely a reflection of myself – this is me, at age 27, realizing the things that I was putting myself through and reflecting on everything that I’ve done with my youth.

I am not bitter about this all because I believe that I put my all in those relationships because I had a big heart. I gave love when I didn’t need to. And I also believe that, 10 years later, I’ll be saying the same thing.


I keep telling myself that I’m working on myself, learning to love myself. I don’t think I’ve ever completely love myself. That, in itself, is an ongoing improvement. One of the beauties of life, I guess. To continue improving. And to improve, I shall…

Letting out some steam, spilling my guts, even though I should go outside for this…

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This is probably the longest post title I will ever allow myself to publish, but I don’t really care much about what the title of this entry is. As the title says, I’m here to spill my guts on the “yoosh” (usual).

WORK! Of course, it isn’t work if we’re not putting out fires and listening to our clients freak out over nothing. But why am I complaining about work on a Sunday?

For one, it’s Sunday. So that means tomorrow’s Monday, the start of another week at work. Oh joy.

Two, and I shouldn’t have done this while at home, but I had to grab something that I sent to myself from our company’s instant messaging system, Slack, and I just happened to open up a channel we have that notifies us of any feedback from our clients. And the feedback that came up was from one of my clients that basically said, not terrible things, but things that did put a damper on my mood, but it can be considered constructive feedback. HOWEVER, the things that the client was expecting of me, the one thing that I will spit out specifics… it’s not in my job description to provide web marketing advice. I didn’t go to school for marketing, I went to school to build websites, studying and practicing code. It just so happens that the only job available to me was this project manager/coordinator role. But I’m going off on a tangent here.

Essentially, from reading her feedback, it makes me want to scream. I want to go outside, somewhere like an empty field, where there’s noone around, and scream until I lose my voice. But it’s so windy (and cold) outside, and I really don’t feel like being blown away today. That wind is seriously strong.

Because I have to put up with all of this at my job, it makes me wonder – actually, I’ve been thinking about this since I first started experiencing this frustration 2 years ago – if there are other opportunities that are FOR ME out there. I’m not exactly looking for other jobs out there, but I might as well just put it out there (I’ve been trying to keep this a secret)… that I’m planning on joining the military as an officer. Because to me, it’s either suffer at this current job or any others like it, or join the military.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I am not happy with my job. I may have lied a bit to my supervisor when we had a 1-on-1 sesh, and he asked “do I like my job (as a project success adviser)?” I responded saying that it’s basically all I know right now. But we all know that means that it’s what I’m stuck with. That’s honestly what I wanted to say, but at the time, I really wanted to improve. I always want to improve in my current position, but it’s tiring.

I want to try something new.


A few hours ago, I was doing some reading on the expectations and requirements to become an officer in the military. And honestly, this was the first time in a while that I felt excited and scared at the time over something. Although, I still have to see if I’m qualified, I really want to make this a reality for me.

Most things are at a standstill for me. My job consists of the same routine every single day, although interesting events occur every other day, it’s not the fun and exciting kind. They’re more of the dreadful, “shake my head” kind of events. Living with my parents for the past 27 years is cool, but I just really need to leave. My close friends are leaving me, and I’m in no real state to make new friends. The friends that I still have here all do their own thing. So there really isn’t anything left for me where I’m currently at.

So I really hope the military is my ticket out of here before the end of this year. I emailed my recruiter, so I’m hoping to get this off the ground soon.


As I’m just finishing up this post, I just realized that the music player not only plays on my website, bu it also plays in the dashboard when I’m typing up a new post. Way to present a dramatic feel with background music as I am typing all of this up… thanks, Day6, for always getting me in my feels.

2018: Another New Year

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It’s a new year, and I have yet to write something substantial here. I had set out for this website to revolve mostly around K-pop, but through the year 2017, I haven’t had much time to dedicate to the use of this website PERIOD. Well… I’m going to change that, and challenge myself: I’m going to try and write more, although I can’t promise the majority of what I write about will be K-pop related.

While I’m at it, I’m going to start by listing down the new year resolutions that I made for myself this year (whoever reads this, you can hold me accountable for these). I’m now 27 years old, and I still do this every year. Don’t judge me.

My 2018 New Year Resolutions

  1. STOP BEING SO TIRED! All of last year, I always did nothing when I came home from work, or when I had the weekends off. When I got off work, I was too “tired” to do anything. And by “tired”, I mean mentally exhausted. On days like these, I would just watch TV or a bunch of YouTube videos. When I wasn’t watching TV or YouTube videos, I would be making a YouTube video. As productive as that sounds, my efforts meant little to nothing, and the only thing to really show for all the times I’ve spent editing videos was the amount of sleep I lost. HOWEVER… I don’t want to completely stop editing videos – although I lost a lot of sleep over it, I gained a passion for video editing. I just need to plan and spend that time more wisely…
  2. Write down 1 inspirational quote each day. I’m already a week behind on this one, whoops. I’ve tried this before, to write a quote every day for a whole year 3 years ago, then it died halfway through the year. And they were just any ol’ quote that became my favorite, whether they had an inspirational movement behind them or not. This year, I’m making sure that the quotes I write down literally inspire me to stay motivated, stay positive, and lastly STAY AWAKE.
  3. Read a chapter or two of a book each night before bed. Before 2018 even started, I started reading this book, Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. I can’t remember when was the last time I couldn’t put a book down because the story was too enticing to stop. I’m halfway done with the book, by the way. This one, in particular, I plan to have it finished before March because the movie comes out that month!
  4. Lastly, and this is embarrassing for me to put it out there as a resolution, but… lose 30 pounds. Not just last year, but for the past 2 or 3 years, I’m just now noticing the amount of weight I’ve gained, especially since I got my current job of being a project manager (which is essentially a desk job). Then, add being mentally exhausted to do anything all year last year, and you can safely say that I’ve gained more weight than I thought would be possible for me. I’ve always seen myself as a skinny, 120-lb, tan girl that used to longboard everywhere. But that all changed coming into my 3rd or 4th year of college, when I was nowhere close to graduating with even an Associates degree. I’m now an average, 150-lb, not-so-tan young lady that sits at a desk from 9:00am to 6:00pm from Monday to Friday, and was struggling all of 2017 to get up and do something active. To probably noone’s surprise, I am not happy with myself. I told myself that I wasn’t happy with myself last year around this time as well. I am still not happy with my body, and I HAVE to make that change this year.

In the world of K-pop, I’ve grown exhausted with everything as well. The comebacks/new music video drops have been hard to keep up with. There have been times when I wanted to simply watch a new music video as soon as it came out, but I kept thinking about my YouTube channel and told myself to wait until I had time to make a reaction video, which were the weekends – even then, I couldn’t get my ish together. I took on vlogging midway through last year, and I had a better experience with regards to traveling and video editing, but it would be a very rare occasion for me to publish a vlog because of my limited ability to travel. Even keeping up with social media has become cumbersome. Maybe I wouldn’t have such a hard time if I didn’t stan so many groups, but it’s hard for me not to love the groups I’m already in love with. It’s hard to keep up with everything that they’re doing and to show them all equal amounts of love.

Ultimately, I’ve decided that I will not let social media nor current events pressure me to publish a video and post to social media. I will do so at my own leisure (unless by request – which I rarely get), because that is all I can handle.

Well, I basically laid out my “big picture” plans for the year. I honestly don’t know when the next time I will write here, nor what it will be about. But like Schwarzenegger, I’ll be back!

Soundtrack of My Life

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I’ve taken yet another unexpected break from my YouTube life. These days, I just want to watch K-dramas as soon as I get home from work and not worry about making or editing videos. I’m so late on a few releases that have been out for almost 2 weeks already, but I just haven’t had the energy. My day job is about to hit our busy season again, and I’ve already drained enough as it is when we weren’t super duper busy.

Besides me complaining about being constantly tired, I’ve been wanting to share some new (and some old) music that I’ve been listening to recently. Over the past several months, it seems like songs about the heartbreaking side of love and enduring hardships have been finding their way to my “on repeat” playlists, on both the angst-y and depressing side. Here’s a list of those songs, in no particular order:

I’ll post something less depressing and more substantial soon. Baiiii.

The “N” Word

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EDIT: I know I took a long break from posting here, and I hate that I only came back just to post about this touchy subject. But I will be back very soon…


From a young age, I’ve always been taught not to say bad things, one of them being (because of the obvious title of this post haha) the “N” word. For the naive and innocent who don’t know the “N” word (God bless you for not being exposed to it, but also God help you for not knowing what it means), it is “nigger”, or “nigga”. It’s a bit of a weird feeling that I’m experiencing right now as I type this blog because I know this is a touchy subject for some people.

I’ve always had an aversion to saying it, for 2 reasons that a majority of people may be able to relate to:

  • Some people get offended by it, and…
  • Frankly, for the plain reason that I don’t feel the need to say it.

After watching The Jess Lyfe‘s P E W D I E P I E video that she just uploaded earlier this evening — and, yes, I watched the entire thing — my stance doesn’t change: I don’t need to say it. But there are just a few things that I wanted to vent out about… a look from a different perspective, if you will.

Before I go any further, I just want to state (if it wasn’t obvious enough) that I agree with her: the “N” word should not be used in a negative context. I am not a follower or subscriber of PewDiePie. I have watched maybe 1 or 2 of his videos, but that was a really LOOOONG time ago, when he first stepped into the YouTube scene in 2010. I don’t really care for him, so I don’t intend on following him. I also want to state that I’m not writing this to hurt or offend anyone.

What I am about to say next is merely an observation from a personal experience, so please hear me out from this perspective:

I live in the state of Virginia, which is home to several historically black colleges and universities (HBCUs), so the community here would be one of many that are impacted by current events and social media in relation to this touchy subject. I had a friend, who is pure Filipino, that attended Norfolk State University, a HBCU, and had black friends… whom he regarded as his “niggas”, and… they took no offense to it, whatsoever. Shamelessly, I like to people watch, and I’ve seen it happen in a case where a white person wasn’t allowed to say it until the black person said it first. I thought it was silly, but I’ve witnessed it.

Now, I don’t know if it is the technicality that a non-white (Filipino) person said the “N” word that made it okay for them, but the point that I want to make (and the main reason for me staying up past midnight) that goes against one of The Jess Lyfe’s other points is I don’t think she should generalize the idea that “if you’re not black, you shouldn’t say it.” I can’t speak for black people, but I don’t think she should speak for all black people and make that point. Like all races and ethnicities, not everyone is the same. Like how not all white people are the same, not all black people are the same. Based on my observations, not all black people are like her and have that same rage about this subject. Some don’t even care.

Just my 2 cents…


You can watch The Jess Lyfe’s P E W D I E P I E video below:

“Lay your troubles on my shoulders. Put your worries in my pocket. Rest your love on me awhile.”

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While I’m waiting for this video to finish exporting, I’m going to spill some thoughts that have been on my mind lately:

So, aside from worrying about the evergrowing list of comebacks, I’ve been putting off this one “thing” that I tasked myself to take care of and see it through to fruition before this year ends. A few of my friends know what it is, but I’m not quite ready to tell the whole world yet. Not that the world really needs to know. But that time will come when it will be known what this “task” is.

I’m also worried about if I’ll be able to carry this YouTube thing on my own. I told one of my coworkers that I took on a hobby of doing this YouTube thing again after taking a break. It’s definitely becoming a hobby, and I love the fact that I can say I am doing some personal and fun projects outside of work. Although after this recent project, it’s driving me insane and into sleeplessness. Hopefully after I keep at it and get back into the groove, it’ll be something that I can devote extra time to. I’m just afraid that with the “thing” I mentioned previously that I’m doing won’t change how I feel about doing these kinds of projects.

Other concerns that are on my plate right now involve the sad news of my youth group coming to a close because of the lack of members we have. It is an organization that I’ve been involved with for 9 years, and it was heartbreaking to see it go down the way that it did. I’ve got some final duties that I need to take care of with regards to the closing my chapter of this organization. I wasn’t ready to let it go, so there were some trinkets and things that I took home with me after cleaning out our usual meeting establishment. I’ve got loads of old pictures to look at, reminisce and create a scrapbook with. I also have figures and awards that I need to go through, and then figure out what I’m going to do with them.

For the past several months, I’ve been trying to take in this concept of minimalism… with my room, my belongings, and my thought process at work. As usual, I’m always trying to get rid some stuff that I don’t use anymore. But by “thought process”, I mean that “less is more” concept when it comes to my correspondences with my clients – my emails can get lengthy and I always tend to write novels, and that’s only because I treat my clients like they know nothing about building websites (which some don’t). Each time a new problem arises with a client, which happens frequently, I have to write manuals explaining why something doesn’t work this way or that way (a.k.a. why they are stupid), and then end it with a potential solution to their problem, which is usually because of user error. It never ends, and there’s never a simple answer to these things. I definitely had one of those moments today at work where I wish we met our clients in person sometimes so that I could strangle them for being so dumb.

Well, it’s another day tomorrow. And my video is still not done exporting. What the fu#&$@R%&*G#YI.

KCON 2017 New York Experience video coming soon… I swear!

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So I filmed the “talking” portion of the video last night. I have about an hour of footage to go through and edit, and then about 500 or so videos and photos to pick and choose from to use in the video…

To preface the amount of videos and photos I have from KCON, I originally thought I had about 400 (HA! I don’t think there’s a difference) and that is because I came unprepared and didn’t think to make space on my phone (prior to leaving for Newark) for the damage I did on the first day. So I, sadly, had to delete what I took on Friday so that I could have some footage for Saturday because more of the groups that I wanted to see were performing on Saturday.

BUT… I just found out how I can retrieve what I deleted last night. Did you know… that the Samsung Note5 has a Trash folder that keeps files in there for up to 15 days? I didn’t know… and I am so happy! Time to restore everything!

It is a Friday, so I am hoping that my job lets us out early again so that I can get right back to work on the video.

In the meantime, take a look at the teaser video I uploaded a few days ago.

I am also hoping to get to a few reactions to new music videos that came out, like Bang Yongguk’s Yamazaki, BTS’s remake of Seo Taiji’s Come Back Home, DAY6’s Hi Hello, and EXO-M Xiumin & NCT Mark’s Young & Free.

I might not be sleeping tonight… What is sleep?

And July

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It is officially the second half of the year 2017, and I am just now getting this site up and doing something with it.

I was initially using this site to test and play around plugins for my job, but my original intent was to actually use this site as my outlet to vent to world and pour out my fangirl thoughts. So here I am, making proper use of it now. It also took me a while to find a look and layout…

There are some thoughts that I will and will not share with the world, so think of this as an extension to some of the tweets that limit my thoughts to 140 characters. Hahaha!

One of the first things that I thought about when I started this back up again was, “How should I document my second KCON experience? Vlog? Just post pictures and videos on Instagram?” I’m still not sure, but I have to think of something fast.

I want to make use of my very novice video editing skills and upload to YouTube. But that will probably come after I type about it, because this is more convenient for me.

I will document about KCON 2017 New York in another post shortly. I need to sort out my thoughts on other things first…

Also, because it’s July… I felt it was almost necessary to add this video. Enjoy!