Since that day. And since then, I’ve really had to learn how to love myself.
For the majority of my adolescent and young adult life, I’ve always been in some sort of relationship. Whether it was a boyfriend, a some relationship, or just fooling around, I was never alone. Better yet, I was never satisfied with being alone. I always needed someone with me.
It took me some time to realize this, and reflect on all the things I could’ve done in my youth instead being in those relationships. Instead of bringing boys home when my parents weren’t around, instead of being out and hanging with the guy and his buds, instead of putting my all into a relationship that wasn’t mean to be, I could’ve used all of that time to be passionate about something that doesn’t involve physical contact or having emotional ties with another person, such as a hobby. (The things I know and do today are done out of convenience…)
It was also, since then, that I’ve learned more about myself while changing myself unknowingly. I’ve known these about myself for some time, but being unattached to someone has made me realize and confirm the realization that I’m a perfectionist, I’m very detail-oriented, and I’m too nice.
One of the other realizations about myself that I found was that my relationships were built on comfort of the other person. I heard some people say that when two people get too comfortable in a relationship, the love fades and dies. But I don’t feel that way. To me, that comfort is security. My love is like a pine tree, an evergreen. I may not do much, except change my clothes or my interests or obsessions when the season changes, but I’m still here, in the same spot that I’ve always been. Obviously, the last one doesn’t believe in that. And that’s okay. Confirms that we weren’t meant to be.
I do worry for my future though because I am getting older, I am 27, 3 years short of reaching the dirty 30s. I feel like I don’t have the time to be comfortable with another person. I have to build that from the bottom up with someone new… Will there ever be someone who thinks the same as me when it comes to comfort in a relationship?
And when I mentioned that I’ve changed… I mean, I’m very awkward when it comes to going on dates, thus I’ve become very anti-social, and I realize that I’m actually okay with it. The last couple of dates I went on, I was actually really afraid of physical contact, even side hugs. I let it happen once and it felt so wrong. Sometimes, I couldn’t even look at a guy in the eyes. My heart would pound so hard out of nervousness, and I would hate it so much. When they would text me, I wouldn’t respond. Which is why one guy that I work with doesn’t randomly message me anymore, and another guy already has a girlfriend. I’ve turned into a bad communicator. And, honestly, #sorrynotsorry
I’ve also become a minimalist, but I’m actually “becoming” one on purpose to continuously rid myself of things I don’t need, like the clothes that don’t fit me or I don’t wear anymore, or the thought of even buying things I usually think I need but in the end I reason with myself that I don’t, or even a boyfriend, straight up.
Because it’s a burden to worry about the clothes that I will never fit into anymore because I’m getting fatter by the day, or worry about a boyfriend’s feelings or how their day went and other shit like that. I’ve come to realize those burdens, and I don’t want to deal with it all anymore.
I’ve not only put up walls for myself, I’ve also become a rock, and I think this is what I needed to be where I am right now.
But going through all of this leaves me with no regrets. What I’m spilling right now may seem like angst and bitterness, but it’s all merely a reflection of myself – this is me, at age 27, realizing the things that I was putting myself through and reflecting on everything that I’ve done with my youth.
I am not bitter about this all because I believe that I put my all in those relationships because I had a big heart. I gave love when I didn’t need to. And I also believe that, 10 years later, I’ll be saying the same thing.
I keep telling myself that I’m working on myself, learning to love myself. I don’t think I’ve ever completely love myself. That, in itself, is an ongoing improvement. One of the beauties of life, I guess. To continue improving. And to improve, I shall…