Since that day. And since then, I’ve really had to learn how to love myself.
For the majority of my adolescent and young adult life, I’ve always been in some sort of relationship. Whether it was a boyfriend, a some relationship, or just fooling around, I was never alone. Better yet, I was never satisfied with being alone. I always needed someone with me.
It took me some time to realize this, and reflect on all the things I could’ve done in my youth instead being in those relationships. Instead of bringing boys home when my parents weren’t around, instead of being out and hanging with the guy and his buds, instead of putting my all into a relationship that wasn’t mean to be, I could’ve used all of that time to be passionate about something that doesn’t involve physical contact or having emotional ties with another person, such as a hobby. (The things I know and do today are done out of convenience…)
It was also, since then, that I’ve learned more about myself while changing myself unknowingly. I’ve known these about myself for some time, but being unattached to someone has made me realize and confirm the realization that I’m a perfectionist, I’m very detail-oriented, and I’m too nice.
One of the other realizations about myself that I found was that my relationships were built on comfort of the other person. I heard some people say that when two people get too comfortable in a relationship, the love fades and dies. But I don’t feel that way. To me, that comfort is security. My love is like a pine tree, an evergreen. I may not do much, except change my clothes or my interests or obsessions when the season changes, but I’m still here, in the same spot that I’ve always been. Obviously, the last one doesn’t believe in that. And that’s okay. Confirms that we weren’t meant to be.
I do worry for my future though because I am getting older, I am 27, 3 years short of reaching the dirty 30s. I feel like I don’t have the time to be comfortable with another person. I have to build that from the bottom up with someone new… Will there ever be someone who thinks the same as me when it comes to comfort in a relationship?
And when I mentioned that I’ve changed… I mean, I’m very awkward when it comes to going on dates, thus I’ve become very anti-social, and I realize that I’m actually okay with it. The last couple of dates I went on, I was actually really afraid of physical contact, even side hugs. I let it happen once and it felt so wrong. Sometimes, I couldn’t even look at a guy in the eyes. My heart would pound so hard out of nervousness, and I would hate it so much. When they would text me, I wouldn’t respond. Which is why one guy that I work with doesn’t randomly message me anymore, and another guy already has a girlfriend. I’ve turned into a bad communicator. And, honestly, #sorrynotsorry
I’ve also become a minimalist, but I’m actually “becoming” one on purpose to continuously rid myself of things I don’t need, like the clothes that don’t fit me or I don’t wear anymore, or the thought of even buying things I usually think I need but in the end I reason with myself that I don’t, or even a boyfriend, straight up.
Because it’s a burden to worry about the clothes that I will never fit into anymore because I’m getting fatter by the day, or worry about a boyfriend’s feelings or how their day went and other shit like that. I’ve come to realize those burdens, and I don’t want to deal with it all anymore.
I’ve not only put up walls for myself, I’ve also become a rock, and I think this is what I needed to be where I am right now.
But going through all of this leaves me with no regrets. What I’m spilling right now may seem like angst and bitterness, but it’s all merely a reflection of myself – this is me, at age 27, realizing the things that I was putting myself through and reflecting on everything that I’ve done with my youth.
I am not bitter about this all because I believe that I put my all in those relationships because I had a big heart. I gave love when I didn’t need to. And I also believe that, 10 years later, I’ll be saying the same thing.
I keep telling myself that I’m working on myself, learning to love myself. I don’t think I’ve ever completely love myself. That, in itself, is an ongoing improvement. One of the beauties of life, I guess. To continue improving. And to improve, I shall…
This is probably the longest post title I will ever allow myself to publish, but I don’t really care much about what the title of this entry is. As the title says, I’m here to spill my guts on the “yoosh” (usual).
WORK! Of course, it isn’t work if we’re not putting out fires and listening to our clients freak out over nothing. But why am I complaining about work on a Sunday?
For one, it’s Sunday. So that means tomorrow’s Monday, the start of another week at work. Oh joy.
Two, and I shouldn’t have done this while at home, but I had to grab something that I sent to myself from our company’s instant messaging system, Slack, and I just happened to open up a channel we have that notifies us of any feedback from our clients. And the feedback that came up was from one of my clients that basically said, not terrible things, but things that did put a damper on my mood, but it can be considered constructive feedback. HOWEVER, the things that the client was expecting of me, the one thing that I will spit out specifics… it’s not in my job description to provide web marketing advice. I didn’t go to school for marketing, I went to school to build websites, studying and practicing code. It just so happens that the only job available to me was this project manager/coordinator role. But I’m going off on a tangent here.
Essentially, from reading her feedback, it makes me want to scream. I want to go outside, somewhere like an empty field, where there’s noone around, and scream until I lose my voice. But it’s so windy (and cold) outside, and I really don’t feel like being blown away today. That wind is seriously strong.
Because I have to put up with all of this at my job, it makes me wonder – actually, I’ve been thinking about this since I first started experiencing this frustration 2 years ago – if there are other opportunities that are FOR ME out there. I’m not exactly looking for other jobs out there, but I might as well just put it out there (I’ve been trying to keep this a secret)… that I’m planning on joining the military as an officer. Because to me, it’s either suffer at this current job or any others like it, or join the military.
I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I am not happy with my job. I may have lied a bit to my supervisor when we had a 1-on-1 sesh, and he asked “do I like my job (as a project success adviser)?” I responded saying that it’s basically all I know right now. But we all know that means that it’s what I’m stuck with. That’s honestly what I wanted to say, but at the time, I really wanted to improve. I always want to improve in my current position, but it’s tiring.
I want to try something new.
A few hours ago, I was doing some reading on the expectations and requirements to become an officer in the military. And honestly, this was the first time in a while that I felt excited and scared at the time over something. Although, I still have to see if I’m qualified, I really want to make this a reality for me.
Most things are at a standstill for me. My job consists of the same routine every single day, although interesting events occur every other day, it’s not the fun and exciting kind. They’re more of the dreadful, “shake my head” kind of events. Living with my parents for the past 27 years is cool, but I just really need to leave. My close friends are leaving me, and I’m in no real state to make new friends. The friends that I still have here all do their own thing. So there really isn’t anything left for me where I’m currently at.
So I really hope the military is my ticket out of here before the end of this year. I emailed my recruiter, so I’m hoping to get this off the ground soon.
As I’m just finishing up this post, I just realized that the music player not only plays on my website, bu it also plays in the dashboard when I’m typing up a new post. Way to present a dramatic feel with background music as I am typing all of this up… thanks, Day6, for always getting me in my feels.
The last few months have been busy, and it’s only gonna get busier from here on out for me. Please watch to see what’s next on my plate for this channel. Thank you all for your patience and understanding!
Background music: Day6 – I Like You (Instrumental)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the music used in this video. All rights go to their respective owners. The music in this video is used for entertainment purposes only.
It’s a new year, and I have yet to write something substantial here. I had set out for this website to revolve mostly around K-pop, but through the year 2017, I haven’t had much time to dedicate to the use of this website PERIOD. Well… I’m going to change that, and challenge myself: I’m going to try and write more, although I can’t promise the majority of what I write about will be K-pop related.
While I’m at it, I’m going to start by listing down the new year resolutions that I made for myself this year (whoever reads this, you can hold me accountable for these). I’m now 27 years old, and I still do this every year. Don’t judge me.
My 2018 New Year Resolutions
- STOP BEING SO TIRED! All of last year, I always did nothing when I came home from work, or when I had the weekends off. When I got off work, I was too “tired” to do anything. And by “tired”, I mean mentally exhausted. On days like these, I would just watch TV or a bunch of YouTube videos. When I wasn’t watching TV or YouTube videos, I would be making a YouTube video. As productive as that sounds, my efforts meant little to nothing, and the only thing to really show for all the times I’ve spent editing videos was the amount of sleep I lost. HOWEVER… I don’t want to completely stop editing videos – although I lost a lot of sleep over it, I gained a passion for video editing. I just need to plan and spend that time more wisely…
- Write down 1 inspirational quote each day. I’m already a week behind on this one, whoops. I’ve tried this before, to write a quote every day for a whole year 3 years ago, then it died halfway through the year. And they were just any ol’ quote that became my favorite, whether they had an inspirational movement behind them or not. This year, I’m making sure that the quotes I write down literally inspire me to stay motivated, stay positive, and lastly STAY AWAKE.
- Read a chapter or two of a book each night before bed. Before 2018 even started, I started reading this book, Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. I can’t remember when was the last time I couldn’t put a book down because the story was too enticing to stop. I’m halfway done with the book, by the way. This one, in particular, I plan to have it finished before March because the movie comes out that month!
- Lastly, and this is embarrassing for me to put it out there as a resolution, but… lose 30 pounds. Not just last year, but for the past 2 or 3 years, I’m just now noticing the amount of weight I’ve gained, especially since I got my current job of being a project manager (which is essentially a desk job). Then, add being mentally exhausted to do anything all year last year, and you can safely say that I’ve gained more weight than I thought would be possible for me. I’ve always seen myself as a skinny, 120-lb, tan girl that used to longboard everywhere. But that all changed coming into my 3rd or 4th year of college, when I was nowhere close to graduating with even an Associates degree. I’m now an average, 150-lb, not-so-tan young lady that sits at a desk from 9:00am to 6:00pm from Monday to Friday, and was struggling all of 2017 to get up and do something active. To probably noone’s surprise, I am not happy with myself. I told myself that I wasn’t happy with myself last year around this time as well. I am still not happy with my body, and I HAVE to make that change this year.
In the world of K-pop, I’ve grown exhausted with everything as well. The comebacks/new music video drops have been hard to keep up with. There have been times when I wanted to simply watch a new music video as soon as it came out, but I kept thinking about my YouTube channel and told myself to wait until I had time to make a reaction video, which were the weekends – even then, I couldn’t get my ish together. I took on vlogging midway through last year, and I had a better experience with regards to traveling and video editing, but it would be a very rare occasion for me to publish a vlog because of my limited ability to travel. Even keeping up with social media has become cumbersome. Maybe I wouldn’t have such a hard time if I didn’t stan so many groups, but it’s hard for me not to love the groups I’m already in love with. It’s hard to keep up with everything that they’re doing and to show them all equal amounts of love.
Ultimately, I’ve decided that I will not let social media nor current events pressure me to publish a video and post to social media. I will do so at my own leisure (unless by request – which I rarely get), because that is all I can handle.
Well, I basically laid out my “big picture” plans for the year. I honestly don’t know when the next time I will write here, nor what it will be about. But like Schwarzenegger, I’ll be back!
I’ve taken yet another unexpected break from my YouTube life. These days, I just want to watch K-dramas as soon as I get home from work and not worry about making or editing videos. I’m so late on a few releases that have been out for almost 2 weeks already, but I just haven’t had the energy. My day job is about to hit our busy season again, and I’ve already drained enough as it is when we weren’t super duper busy.
Besides me complaining about being constantly tired, I’ve been wanting to share some new (and some old) music that I’ve been listening to recently. Over the past several months, it seems like songs about the heartbreaking side of love and enduring hardships have been finding their way to my “on repeat” playlists, on both the angst-y and depressing side. Here’s a list of those songs, in no particular order:
I’ll post something less depressing and more substantial soon. Baiiii.
EDIT: I know I took a long break from posting here, and I hate that I only came back just to post about this touchy subject. But I will be back very soon…
From a young age, I’ve always been taught not to say bad things, one of them being (because of the obvious title of this post haha) the “N” word. For the naive and innocent who don’t know the “N” word (God bless you for not being exposed to it, but also God help you for not knowing what it means), it is “nigger”, or “nigga”. It’s a bit of a weird feeling that I’m experiencing right now as I type this blog because I know this is a touchy subject for some people.
I’ve always had an aversion to saying it, for 2 reasons that a majority of people may be able to relate to:
- Some people get offended by it, and…
- Frankly, for the plain reason that I don’t feel the need to say it.
After watching The Jess Lyfe‘s P E W D I E P I E video that she just uploaded earlier this evening — and, yes, I watched the entire thing — my stance doesn’t change: I don’t need to say it. But there are just a few things that I wanted to vent out about… a look from a different perspective, if you will.
Before I go any further, I just want to state (if it wasn’t obvious enough) that I agree with her: the “N” word should not be used in a negative context. I am not a follower or subscriber of PewDiePie. I have watched maybe 1 or 2 of his videos, but that was a really LOOOONG time ago, when he first stepped into the YouTube scene in 2010. I don’t really care for him, so I don’t intend on following him. I also want to state that I’m not writing this to hurt or offend anyone.
What I am about to say next is merely an observation from a personal experience, so please hear me out from this perspective:
I live in the state of Virginia, which is home to several historically black colleges and universities (HBCUs), so the community here would be one of many that are impacted by current events and social media in relation to this touchy subject. I had a friend, who is pure Filipino, that attended Norfolk State University, a HBCU, and had black friends… whom he regarded as his “niggas”, and… they took no offense to it, whatsoever. Shamelessly, I like to people watch, and I’ve seen it happen in a case where a white person wasn’t allowed to say it until the black person said it first. I thought it was silly, but I’ve witnessed it.
Now, I don’t know if it is the technicality that a non-white (Filipino) person said the “N” word that made it okay for them, but the point that I want to make (and the main reason for me staying up past midnight) that goes against one of The Jess Lyfe’s other points is I don’t think she should generalize the idea that “if you’re not black, you shouldn’t say it.” I can’t speak for black people, but I don’t think she should speak for all black people and make that point. Like all races and ethnicities, not everyone is the same. Like how not all white people are the same, not all black people are the same. Based on my observations, not all black people are like her and have that same rage about this subject. Some don’t even care.
Just my 2 cents…
You can watch The Jess Lyfe’s P E W D I E P I E video below:
On Thursday, I took the day off to have a mental health day and spend it with my best friend. We took a day trip to D.C. and Annandale, and I made a quick video using the snaps from my IG and Snapchat story.
On the way up there…
First, we stopped by Bread Garden in Newport News to get some breakfast…and lunch. We just got a few things of bread and kimbap. It was a good thing that I bought the kimbap because midway through the rest of the drive up to D.C., it was practically lunch time.
We finally reached D.C. and it was a b**** trying to find parking around the Smithsonian Institution National Museum of Natural History. We eventually found parking and started walking towards the museum. It was awesome to find out that admission into the museum was free, but they were doing heavy bag searching. The first thing we did was wander around the Mammal and Ocean exhibits. It was like being in the zoo, but with taxidermy animals. Then, we went to the second floor to see the bones of animals, which eventually led us into Nicki’s favorite part of the museum which was the mummies. After seeing the mummy exhibit, we went straight into the dinosaur exhibit and found a “fossilized T.rex poop”, which obviously wasn’t real. But it was still pretty amusing that they included it in the exhibit. The last thing we did before leaving the museum was see the Hope Diamond, which was 45.52 carats!
After the museum, we went towards Annandale, which is basically Virginia’s Korea town and just 15 minutes away from D.C.
The first place we went to was The Face Shop, which was heaven for face masks and other skin care products. Then, we went to Lil’ Thingamajigs nearby and it was so hard to shop in there. They have things from K-pop merch, to cute home decor and stationery, to jewelry and other accessories. I was having a difficult time around the K-pop albums because I couldn’t decide between the latest Monsta X albums that came in 2 different repackages for Shine Forever, and then I couldn’t decide if I should get another album because K-pop albums are pretty expensive. But I eventually caved in and got BTS’s You Never Walk Alone album. I got a couple of other small things, but those albums took up the bulk of my spending there.
After shopping for a bit, we went to eat dinner at Honey Pig. Samgyeopsal and bulgogi all around. Ssam and soju. By the way, 2 shots of soju already got me feeling loosey goosey that night. I wish I could eat like that every single day of my life. After dinner, we went to Shilla Bakery to get dessert and bring some bread to-go. We shared a mint chocolate chip bingsoo, which had strawberries and marshmallows in it, which was unexpected, but we weren’t complaining. It was amazing!
Both of us suffered from food coma as we headed back home. So Nicki drove us back for the first hour or so, then she was starting to nod off. Then I took over the wheel for the rest of the way.
And that was our day trip! I had so much fun and I wish I could do this more often…
I also wanted to show off some of the stuff that I bought while we were up there…
My souvenirs from the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History: Cherry Blossom Collectible Lapel Pin and Cherry Blossom Ceramic Shotglass.
Even though we didn’t really see cherry blossoms there, I still found these things more fascinating than everything else that I saw at the shop. And, just so everyone knows, I collect shot glasses. But, yes, I will actually use that shot glass. It seems pretty fitting to drink sake with plum wine in this.
My pick-ups from The Face Shop: Pomegranate, Rice, and Lemon face masks; Jeju Volcanic Lava 3-step nose strip pack, Raspberry Roots collagen eye patches (for these long nights of video editing and late blogging); and Chia Seed Watery Eye & Spot Essence.
Along with my pick-ups above, I got some freebies. Who doesn’t love getting free stuff?
My tiny haul from Lil’ Thingamajigs: Monsta X Shine Forever Repackaged album, BTS You Never Walk Alone album, 2 EXO Chanyeol and 2 BTS V waterproof stickers, and 2 jewelry rings.
I don’t know how I’m going to open the Monsta X album package. I don’t want to ruin the label that’s sealing it up. I might just cut it from the bottom. I don’t know…
With my Monsta X album, I got a free poster! But I don’t have any more room to put up this poster… not with all the BTS and EXO ones that I have.
For the past 2 or 3 weeks, I’ve been trying to catch up on these comebacks by reacting to some of music videos that came out this month. There were only a select few that I reacted to, and here are my extended thoughts that I didn’t have enough MBs to discuss on-camera. Haha.
BTS (방탄소년단) – Come Back Home
Before I even watched this music video, I had no idea that it was for Seo Taiji’s 25th Anniversary. But the first thing that I thought about when I heard that BTS came out with this music video, I thought about 2NE1’s Come Back Home. Then, I found an article – I don’t remember if it was from allkpop or Soompi or Koreaboo – and saw that the article talked about other artists did some form of dedication or remake of this song.
I had also listened to the original song, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the trends that they followed back in the day when K-pop started out. But it also made me realized that the western world of hip-hop was no different. The music, the fashion, almost everything is similar. My eyes have been opened to all the common things that all parts of the world have with each other all this time, but it still amazes me everytime I witness things like this. That’s why there’s that saying that “music is universal.”
DAY6(데이식스) “Hi Hello”
With this reaction, I picked up the tiny passion for editing videos. Behind the scenes, I thought that I was going to have a hard time editing this video. I thought that so hard… that I almost wasn’t going to keep going with this little hobby of mine on my own. The thought of losing sleep because I knew it was going to take me a while to get through finishing this video was worrying me. I hadn’t gotten enough sleep to begin with and losing even more sleep was not ideal. But… I kept at it. And I enjoyed working on this video, as well as enjoyed watching the men singing in this video.
Oh, and I’m a little sad that Jae took a break from Twitter again. But I understand that he’s busy. 화이팅, Jae!
[STATION] 시우민 X 마크 Young & Free
I felt like my reactions lacked a lot in this video. And I think it shows in the amount of views it got. I don’t know. This video, according to the stats, only got 3 views. Sometimes, I think, “is SM Station something that people enjoy?” or “do even the diehard SM fans enjoy this project?” I looked into this Station project when SM started it up at the beginning of last year, around the same time that they were putting NCT at the forefront, and I initially thought the idea of putting out a new song (that’s not a comeback) once every week was a cool idea.
I haven’t really looked into it lately, but I have noticed that this is the second year that SM Station has been out, and that there are more non-Korean tracks coming out. It’s not that I am opposed to it, but I wasn’t expecting it. I don’t really know what to think about this project anymore… other than, I think they are running out of ideas with Station. That, or they’re reaching new heights by connecting with non-Korean artists? I think I’m missing some vital information about SM Station this time around. I hope I don’t receive too much backlash with this opinion. I like SM for their artists, but their management – from what I read in the media – is not so good and I feel like they’re trying too hard?
Red Velvet 레드벨벳 – 빨간 맛 Red Flavor
Not like anyone asked, but if I were to rank Red Velvet’s title tracks from my most favorite to least favorite, my list would look like this:
- Dumb Dumb
- Ice Cream Cake
- 7월 7일 (One Of These Nights)
- Russian Roulette
- Be Natural
- Red Flavor
Lately, RV’s music hasn’t really suited my taste. I didn’t like Rookie at all. Red Flavor was slightly okay, but it didn’t compare to the first few that have been near the top of my list for the past couple of years. It’s disappointing because I really really like Red Velvet, ore than other girl groups. All the more reason to already look forward to their next come back…
ONE – ‘해야해(heyahe)’
Again, I wasn’t really expecting to react to this, but I felt the need to react to an artist that I have never heard of. It is expected to watch a music video from my favorite groups. But I thought if I expanded every bit in this YouTube thing, one of the things I could do was to expose myself to an artist whom I wasn’t familiar with and create content with this. I consider this video one of the projects that helped me grow a bit.
EXO Ko Ko Bop
I had been waiting for this for FOREVER! EXO has had my heart since I first heard about them in 2013. I’ve been with them through every comeback, and seeing them with this concept has made me feel like I have grown with them also. With their EXODUS album, I thought that they had the sexy concept set then. But boy, they topped that with The War. 전야 The Eve and 소름 Chill showed that side of EXO that has grown up.
I won’t talk too muchmore about EXO’s accomplishments. I could honestly keep going… but I will just end it with…
SEHUN’S VOCALS ON THE EVE… CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY! HALLELUJAH!
정용화 (Jung Yong Hwa) – 여자여자해 (That Girl) (Feat. 로꼬)
Another flame rekindled with this one. Besides EXO, CNBLUE was another group that stole my heart in 2013 when I decided to take this dangerous path towards K-pop obsession. With CNBLUE’s frontman Yonghwa, it was love at first sight. From his acting in You’re Beautiful and Heartstrings, then moving onto his musical endeavors with CNBLUE. So, it only felt natural to want to watch this man make a solo comeback… especially after seeing him in all his handsome and charismatic greatness IN PERSON at KCON last month.
Marry me, 용화 오빠.
KARD – Hola Hola
I don’t have much to say other what I already said in the video: they just debuted FOR REAL and I am looking forward to what they will be doing from this point forward. I’d like see them win an award on any of the music shows eventually.
I’ve been working on this post carefully for the past 2 hours, and right now… I just want to end it quickly. Haha, I’m getting sleepy! I have a post coming up about my trip to D.C. and Annandale that I took with my best friend a couple of days ago. Looking forward to posting about that…
Until then, 안녕!
Finally, right!? I finally uploading my experience video on YouTube two days ago.
So I was working on this post exactly 2 weeks ago. I guess the rush of trying to catch up on the comebacks from a month ago caught up to me and I exhausted myself for a bit. So I needed to take a break. Well, I’m back, as I am watching the 14th episode of the crime drama Signal. And I just wanted to share my KCON experience video here.
Gonna post my latest activities on YouTube in a bit…